This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
You Might Also Like
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Mistakes were made
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.