While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
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I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind