once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
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Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
How about I get 100% off by already being there
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*