My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
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6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
Oh. My. God.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
A small tragedy.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive