[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
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When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.