Still cracks me up
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magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.