friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
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Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
This rocks
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”