howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
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Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Swedish for common sense.