Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
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BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Monday
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.