*aggressively skips to my Lou*
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Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
it be like that
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Not all heroes wear capes….
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.