Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
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On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
I’m a self-made hundredaire
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Effort made
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice