If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
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When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
i spent way too long on this
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.