Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
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No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
live long and prosper!
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.