Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
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[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda