Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
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Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Love it! 👍😂
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
The photographer’s assistant
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong