The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
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ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.