[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
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Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Fries, not lies.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”