An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
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“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Legend 🤣🤣
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.