tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
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Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Love is always patient and kind.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.