OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
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My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume