Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
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It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
😂😂😂
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently