What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
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It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Safety first