*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
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I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.