My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
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Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.