He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
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If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
I put the p in pants.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?