Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
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me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
my first day as a raccoon
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.