Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
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satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.