everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
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Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you