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I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.