[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
You Might Also Like
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Morning.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED