Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
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I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*