my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
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[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
yes… yes…
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
This forever.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin