Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
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me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
peep davidson
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.