People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
You Might Also Like
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
u guys got any snacks onboard here
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Finally!
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
never ask a starfish for directions
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.