the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
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I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
How it started How it’s going
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Sex so good you see dead people.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.