Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
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ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth