Trying
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My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.