*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
You Might Also Like
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”