Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
You Might Also Like
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Isn’t
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town