A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
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philosophical skeletons be like
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
In banana years, I am bread.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”