My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
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Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.