My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
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“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
My birthstone is kidney
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
me and who
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.