My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
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*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Hey! This isn’t my car!
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?