Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
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You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
My dad teaching me to drive
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.