‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
You Might Also Like
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Trying
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.