Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
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[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
I’m calling the cops.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.