12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
👾👾👾
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud