[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
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The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
looks legit
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
oh u like geography? name every lake
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.