How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
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🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
What if all the cashiers are married?
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.