20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
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Match dot com, but for socks.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Wait a minute…
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.